Update Oct 2019
It’s been a long couple of years to say the least. But it has pulled out of me more strength, physically and emotionally, than I ever knew I possessed. Cancer has a way of doing that. I have pushed myself beyond my limits. I have raised my hope a thousand percent. And I have fallen from grace. I have withdrawn from the world because of the fragility of my future. I have played the victim. I let anger take over and it truly affected every aspect of my life. And then I decided that was enough. I decided I would not let this disease take any more from me. And I changed my mindset, again. I opened up to the Universe, again. I reached out to the depths of my soul for even more strength. And the Universe has already responded in countless ways. I am truly blessed to be alive and I am truly blessed for the people in my life and I am truly blessed for the lessons of this journey. More than two years since being diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, a moment in time when I thought that was my ending, I am standing strong and STABLE!
In the cancer world, the words “stable” are. WIN! A huge weight has been lifted, along with spirits, not just mine but my loved ones as well. This journey takes many twists and turns, ups and downs, and I know mine are not all over, but right now, today, I am filled with joy.
I have a renewed sense of hope and a sense of pride for my accomplishments along this journey. I feel a sense of peace knowing what I’ve done and knowing what I am capable of and knowing that it doesn’t matter what cancer throws my way, I have a tremendous army by my side. And we will all fight til the end. But for now, we rest. A battle has been won in this war of ours, and it’s time to smile again. It’s time to breathe fully. It’s time to live full out while we have the chance. And so to the Universe (and all the wonderful people in my life) I say “THANK YOU!”
Aug 10th 2019
Here I sit on this peaceful Saturday morning thinking how grateful I am. My pain is gone and I feeling almost 100%. My radiation treatments went so well. I am so glad I made the decision to go ahead with it. This is a long, tough journey and I have, from the beginning made decisions about my treatments from my heart. I don’t take this journey lightly. Each decision not only affects me, but also my family. And without the love and support from them I wouldn’t be able to get through all of this.
Needless to say, the 8 treatments of radiation were very easy. I had an 8x8 inch square on my chest radiated for about 15 seconds each time. I was told that two weeks out my pain and any burning would peak, and I am more than thrilled to say that two weeks out I have no burning and my pain is basically a 0 out of 10!!! (except if I try to do push ups, lol...so push ups are out!)
So all of this says to me that on this cancer journey of mine, I can never say never, and I must always keep an open mind. All the diet and lifestyle changes, plus all the alternative medicines were not able to stop the bone tumors or the pain from it, so conventional treatment had to step in. It was not a decision I took lightly, but because the pain was so debilitating, it was a risk I had to take. For me, it paid off and I am so grateful. Again, it reminds me of the things I had taken for granted these first two years of this stage 4 journey. Having no pain and basically no symptoms. Swimming with my family. Breathing. Laughing. Hugging. And in the words of Neale Donald Walsch, “be thankful for every condition of life. It has been presented perfectly for you to express who you really are. And the higher level of mastery you call forth, the higher will its opposite in the contextual field be. Embrace it. Be the light unto the darkness. And curse the darkness not.”
So, for all this I am grateful because the contextual field for me is very tough. I know something very great is waiting for me on the other side.
July 10th 2019
Yesterday was bitter sweet. It’s the first time in the last two years that I have truly felt like a cancer patient again. I have been working very hard on the natural side of things but part of this cancer is just not responding. And to say I’m exhausted is an understatement. Physically. Mentally. My battle is long and hard. An endurance battle. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall. I let all the emotions out. The emotions that I have pushed down.
The reality is I don’t know how much time I have. Just when I felt I could celebrate a win, cancer snuck behind my back and attacked from a different angle leaving me with so much physical pain I could no longer function. It’s been a reality check. I never realized it could cause me this much pain and how much that pain would effect me mentally and emotionally. It literally spiralled me down into the darkness and I’ve been a zombie. It’s made me angry. It’s saddened me to not be able to even hug my girls without being in excruciating pain. To not runs and play with them in the ocean. And this is not a way of life for me...to sit on the sides lines.
So now I have to keep faith. I have to keep hoping that my path will lead to me to my rainbow. I have to trust the next part of my journey. Western medicine will offer me reprieve for a while but it comes at a cost. A cost that I have been trying to avoid but there comes a point when I can’t deny that I need this next treatment. And I need to work. It’s time for me to truly let go of any expectations I had for this journey. Nothing is turning out as expected. Worrying about the next steps is pointless. I need to let go of the person I think I am. I need to let go of any identity I have given myself and let the universe guide me to new uncharted waters. I need to be curious about what awaits me, not saddened by what I’m leaving behind. This is a complete game of the mind and in choosing to face this with courage through my fears allows me to keep moving forward.
I have been hit and hit and keep getting hit, but I come back every time, often stronger than before.
And in the words of my oncologist, it will get worse before it gets better, I must prepare myself for the challenge. Physically and mentally. So in these weak moments when I feel like I can’t take anymore, when I feel defeated and that by giving in to western medicine I have somehow failed, somehow, somewhere I find more. I find more strength. I find more courage. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live in pain for the rest of my life. I will give this everything. There is no quitting. There is no giving up. And if that means putting my head down and taking what western medicine has to offer to give me time to work more diligently on the alternative side, then so be it. This has never been a denial of treatment for me, it has always been about quality of life. And in the last six weeks cancer has been stealing that from me. The pain has become too much to bear affecting my quality of life. So the fork in the road is here, and I’m choosing to walk in the middle.
I will beat down my own path in this and do whatever it takes. It’s these times of complete darkness when you truly see your light. It becomes a choice to let go and let yourself be guided. I’m letting my heart guide me here. My first step is pain medication and radiation to my sternum. These side effects, more pain and burning, and then the hope is that the cancer will be dormant and my pain will be gone for now. But I know this is temporary, and my oncologist knows it too. My hope is that it will give me the time I need to hit this thing harder on the alternative side and keep me in the game. My new hero, well he has always been a hero, is Rocky, “it’s not about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward.”
“What lies behind you and what lies in front of you is nothing when compared to what lies within you.” There are many days when I look up to the sky and say, “Okay! I get it! I’ve learned my lesson!” But deep down I must wonder , Have I? Apparently not. I have been on a healing journey for some time and a part of me always hopes that I will see an end and complete healing will be my pot of gold. But I’m just not there yet. I keep hoping that with each CT scan I will see the cancer gone. I will hear those words, No Evidence of Disease. But I don’t know if deep down I believe it enough. I don’t know if I believe it with every fibre of my being. It just seems like such a daunting task at this point. I have to wonder if I have what it takes to keep this up! Only time will tell, but for now I have to keep telling myself that this wouldn’t be my journey if I wasn’t tough enough to handle it, lol. I haven’t read my CT scan results yet, but I did have a conversation with my oncologist. I do like to focus on the positive and the positive is that there are no new lesions anywhere and as far as he said, my lungs are still clear. For that I am grateful. But the tumors in my skull and sternum are growing. These are tumors that eat away at the bone and it is in fact the sternum one that is causing my intense pain. This is the first time in over two years that the cancer itself has caused a symptom for me. It’s the first time it has slowed me down. That being said, it won’t slow me down for long! With the recommendation of my oncologist I will be seeing my radiation oncologist to talk about spot radiation to relieve the pain. Apparently it works very well for that. I’m not happy about it, but I have given it a lot of thought and because the pain is hindering me from doing things I love to do, I will do it. Being in severe pain affects me too much and that is ultimately detrimental to the rest of my healing. My goal has always been quality of life, and postponing anything toxic as long as I can. Right now, I just need some relief so I can get back to enjoying my life. There is not much more I can do naturally than I’m not already doing to heal the bones so this seems like my best option right now. So I’m okay with that. Now I can only focus on continuing further on the spiritual path of this journey and being present in every moment. At this time, focusing on the now gives me strength. It’s too overwhelming to look far into the future. I don’t know what that looks like for me and it actually brings up too much fear right now. So I’m choosing to love life right now. Laugh. Love. Live. Now. I know there is no option for giving up. It’s not who I am. And I will fight as long as I have to. And I will continue on my natural healing path. I still believe in a holistic approach to truly curing this disease. Nutrition, nature, mindset along with conventional medicine are all a part of it. So my journey continues. I will keep rising. I will tap into reservoirs of strength I never knew I was capable of because I that is my only option. I choose life. I choose to give this life all of me an nothing less. For me and for my family.
Update Feb 2019:
All I can say is, “those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” But those who do, will 🙏.
This place is filled with magic. It has been given the name “Hope on the Hill” and the name couldn’t be more fitting. My journey led me here in the beginning. I knew the road would not be easy. And it hasn’t been. But yesterday’s visit has brought me back to life and just confirmed what I already knew in my heart...the cancer is going away. My body was crying for help, the symptom was cancer, and I listened. Yesterday was not the end of my journey, but truly is the beginning. The beginning of a new long, very long, healthy life filled with joy and purpose. This place takes any power cancer had/has and gives it back to you. I have seen people, myself included, walk in there scared, stressed, broken, and leave that very same day with their hearts and spirits lifted and hope put back into their smiles. I am forever grateful to this place, I am forever grateful to the friends who told me about this place and I am forever grateful for myself for listening to them. The magic here does not reside in this place, but this place brings out the magic that has always been inside you. Our bodies are amazing healers, we just need to give them the right tools to their job 🙏. And I am not a person who looks for recognition, but I can’t help but be proud of myself for this journey and for having the strength to hold true to what my heart was telling me. I knew what my oncologist was telling me couldn’t be right. I knew I felt too good for her words to ring true. And I was right. So please if I can pass on any lesson, it is to listen to your heart more. Trust your body because it cannot lie.
As of February 17th, I have been off of my Hoxsey tonic and supplements. It had been giving me some gastrointestinal issues that were just not acceptable to me. I am in the process of figuring out what those are and I have high hopes that I am not completely done with the tonic yet. It was a big mental piece of my treatment plan. It was my first significant sign of hope. That being said, I know there are many options for me on the alternative side and I will keep my eyes and mind open to what’s available. Right now, as I said, I am working on any gastrointestinal issues, I will be keeping up 95% of the Hoxsey diet and continue the vegan lifestyle, exercise, meditation/visualization, gratitude practice and I will be incorporating a hot yoga practice as well as 1 1/2 cups of broccoli sprouts per day. I know this journey is a long one, so it is important to me to find sustainability in a treatment plan and to feel healthy, strong, and energetic! As for conventional medicine, I will continue with my injection every 3 months and the hormone therapy letrozole. I recently had a 6 month follow up bone scan and am waiting for a 3-4 month follow up CT scan. Again, mindset is such a huge piece to this puzzle and I continue to work on that daily. Some days are harder than others, and I did give myself a break from everything for a week and took a vacation to forget for just a while. It was a very welcome reset for myself and for the whole family. Gaining perspective. Learning what life really is about. On to the next chapter!!!
As of my most recent CT scan onDecember 19, 2017, my lung tumours are continuing to decrease in size as well as disappear. The tumours in my skull remain stable. I will see my oncologist here in Canada on January 18, 2018 to further discuss those results and any future plans regarding treatment. I am waiting to hear word from my doctor in Mexico on his take of the CT results. I continue to stick to a mostly vegan diet, exercise, meditate, and continue to get out in nature as much as I can!